1. Nope - this forum's pretty cool, but "holy" is going way to far.
2. DEFINATELY not
3. This could be true, considering the "irrational" part...I'm like that sometimes. OOOPS...after reading further, there's no way on this one. I'm nowhere near successful enough to have a blackberry.
4. BINGO!

So, we can all just keep praying for each other!

I'm thankful for you carrollers, and the many laughs you've given me. And for all you guys, of course.

Thanks Happygiving.

May the Force be with you.

Would that be the same guy who buys his wife a card on the way to church the morning of Mother's Day?

The procrastinator's motto: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next week."

Parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools just I and my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While wife and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said my lovely, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my wife just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
How rotten I'd forgotten that
Batteries are never included!


Merry Christmas

Overheard in circa 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Did you hear that the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought that gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now!"

"The drive-through restaurant is convenient, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it!"

At Sunday school, the teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her class of six and seven year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" A little boy raised his hand and replied questioningly, "Thou shall not kill?"

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "You got any grapes?"
The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back to the bar and asks the bartender "You got any grapes?"
The bartender says "I told you yesterday No, and the answer is still No. Leave and don't come back."
The next day the duck shows up and asks the bartender "You got any grapes."
The bartender says "Listen I don't have any grapes! Quit asking and don't come back or I'll nail those webbed feet to the bar and have everyone use you for dart practice. Get Out!"
The next day the duck shows up, looks at the bartender and says "You got any nails?"
The bartender say "No."
The duck then says "You got any grapes?"

Little girls asks her daddy, "Can I have a cat for Christmas."

Daddy responds, "No, you can have turkey like everyone else."

Kids Ideas About Angels

When it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara,6
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
I hear funny angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared , 8
All angels are girls because they've got to wear dresses and boys don't go for it. Antonia, 9
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado

Church Notices

For those mothers who have children - and don't know it, we have a crèche downstairs.

Remember in prayer for Christmas the many who are sick of our church and community.

Tonight's Advent sermon: 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our carol practice.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates, Ahead of him is a guy who s dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and wearing sunglasses.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven."
The guy replies, "I m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City,"
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it s the minister s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters :!

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for too [2] failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It s best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let s meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping . I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I could not work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I have left a path of destruction behind me."

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he
wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and
again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required
of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house
that is much larger than He needs, but He is not
required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess,
someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of
luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no
expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked
up by others who go out and earn a living every
day. I was just thinking about all this, and
suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

Son of a gun, my dog is a democrat!

An Israeli doctor says,

"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,

put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."



A German doctor says,

"That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and

have him looking for work in four weeks."



A Russian doctor says.

"In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one

person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."



An ILLINOIS doctor, says.

"You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of ILLINOIS , put him in the White House and within SIX MONTHS, half the COUNTRY is looking for work."

Bada Bing, Spilo!!!!

I'm one of the half, too.

I read unemployment was down to 9.7% in January. At our house it's still 50%, so the economy ain't improving as I see it.

Oh well, didn't mean to get political, this is the funny part of our forum, sorry guys

A team of bricklayers had just finished a job, and they had three bricks left. The first man bet his friends that he could throw a brick higher than they could.

So one of his colleagues picked up a brick and threw it straight up into the air. It flew about as high as a four-story building, and came back down.

The other colleague threw a brick straight up. It flew about as high as a five-story building , and came back down,

The first man picked up the last brick and threw it straight up, and it didn't come back down.

An elderly woman was returning home from a visit to her grandchildren. She had her beloved Scottish terrier with her on the plane. During the flight, she took the dog out of his kennel and held him on her lap.

Just then, the man sitting next to her lit up a cheap cigar and started puffing away. (This was before smoking was banned on US flights)

"Sir, could you please put that out," the lady pleaded. "I don't like the smell, but my doggie has asthma, and I'm afraid that the smoke will make it hard for him to breathe."

The man ignored her, and continued puffing. She kept pleading with him, but got no answer. Finally, she snatched the cigar from him and threw it out the window! (don't ask me to explain how she got the window open!)

Furious, the man grabbed the lady's Scottie, and threw him out the window!

The lady screamed, and leaned across the man to look out the window, expecting to see her beloved pooch plummeting to earth. Instead, he was standing on the wing, looking like he was riding a surfboard. And guess what he had in his mouth...







No, not the cigar, silly!...










The brick!

A certain lady from the Midwest United States received the gift of a trip to Europe from her grown children. When she arrived on the Continent, a local woman approached her.

"Excuse me dear, are you from the States?" the European woman asked."

"Yes I am," replied the American.

"Maybe you can help me with something. My sister lives in your country, and she frequently sends me recipes. But I don't know what one of the ingredients is. Maybe you can help me. Some of the recipes call for half-and-half. Please tell me, Dear; half what and half what?"

Again true story, read several years ago in Reader's Digest

Remember the hunting trip mentioned earlier in this thread? Well, the same group got together for another big hunting trip. The Familyman, Familyman-Junior, Spilo, TribeDad, DJLemley, and M's Daddyman; they were all there. This trip, they decided to invite their good friend Carrollers to come along. The trip was to New Mexico, and the quarry was the feared mountain lion.

On the third day, Carrollers got separated from the group. While trying to find his way back, his foot slipped on the crumbling edge of a ravine, and he slid down the steep slope, losing his rifle in the process.

As he came to a stop at the bottom of the ravine, Carrollers realized that he was being stalked! The biggest mountain lion he had ever seen was slinking towards him!

Carrollers frantically looked for his gun, but it was nowhere to be seen. He looked up into the heavens and pleaded, "God, please make this lion a Christian!"

Just then the lion dropped to his knees and spoke! "God, thank you for this meal that you have provided for me..."

Here's another one from Reader's Digest...I don't remember where it takes place, but somewhere overseas.

A helicopter pilot made his living flying tourists over an active volcano. It was truly awe inspiring for the travelers to look out the helicopter windows at the bubling cauldron of lava that overflowed from the mountain crater below.

On one trip, an American woman turned to the British man beside her and stated, "It reminds one of hell, doesn't it."

The pilot threw his hands into the air in amazement. "These Americans!" he exclaimed, "They've been everywhere!"

Just forwarded to me....

Bible Study Humor

(You never know what kids are going to say!!)


LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'
Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Overheard this on the radio...I think it was Chuck Swindoll...

The devil shows up at a small church and walks inside. The parishoners scatter in terror at the sight of evil incarnate...all except for one older gentleman. Suprised, Satan walks up to him.

"Do you know who I am?" the devil demands. The man replies, "Yup."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" he asks. The reply, "Nope."

Shocked, Satan inquires, "Why not?"

"I've been married to your sister for 45 years."


As my wife added...and then the fight started!

A certain man had lived a rather unassuming life. He worked at a hoe-hum job and was rather average in both the looks department and in muscular strength.

One day he died, and found himseslf at the pearly gates. St. Peter studied the account of his life for a while, and said, "I don't see any outstanding works or great achievements in here. I see no reason to let you into heaven."

The man protested, "But I saw an outlaw biker gang out on a remote stretch of highway who were brutally attacking a young woman. I grabbed a tire iron from my car and hit their leader in the back of the head. I knocked him out, and the girl was able to escape. Then I turned around to face the entire gang of infuriorated bikers."

St. Peter was very impressed. "Wow," he exclaimed. "That's impressive, but I don't see any of that in the book. When did this happen?"

He replied, "About ten minutes ago."

An article full of jokes from World Magazine

http://www.worldmag.com/articles/16594