A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Later that day the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. Mrs. Pastor began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

With the sweetest smile that any little child could give, the little girl said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

A homeschool dad had just explained the difference between acids and bases and was preparing to conduct a kitchen science experiment demonstrating the properties of acids.

"Watch this," he said to his children, "I am going to drop this quarter into the acidic solution in this glass. Who wants to state a theory predicting what is going to happen to the coin?"

After a few minutes defining the difference between a theory and a guess, the dad prompted, "does anyone think the coin will float?"

"No," said all of the kids raising their hands.

"Why not?" he asked picking the oldest daughter to explain her position.

"The coin is denser than the water and will sink," she said.

"That is very true," replied the Dad. "Now does anyone think the coin will dissolve?"

"Yes," said everyone but the oldest son-- sensing it was a trick question.

"So," the dad asked his son, "what is your theory for explaining why the coin will not dissolve in this solution?"

"Because," answered the son, "if the acid was strong enough to dissolve a coin you would be dropping in a penny instead of a quarter."

Please forgive me for this one guys...
A census taker was in a very rural area, knocking on doors. After a very long day he comes to the last door and knocks. A middle aged woman comes to the door." Hello mam'," the census taker begins. "I am a census taker. May I ask how many you have in your household?" "Well..." the woman began, "thars me an my husband, then thars Billy and Susie the twins, thar fourteen. Then thars Peggy and Jimmy the twins, thar twelve.
Then thars Sally and Kimmy the twins, thar nine... "Wait a minute, interupted the census taker. "Did you get twins EVERY time? " Law no! replied the woman. Thar were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin!

Forgive me, but I had to add this one...


New pastor in town is making the rounds.
He knocks on a door and the lady that answers sees he looks just like Conway Twitty and says "Oh my, Conway Twitty!"
Pastor says no, ma'am. I'm the new pastor and just introducing myself.
He goes to the next door and knocks.
The lady who answers says "Oh my! Conway Twitty!"
The pastor says No ma'am. I'm just the pastor and introducing myself.
At he next door he knocks and a young, very attractive 30 something answers the door wearing just a towel. She says "Oh my! Conway Twitty!"
The pastor says "Hello Darlin' Nice to see ya"

Forgive me.....

A barber thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. The next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

From the truth is funnier than fiction department:

A Kingman, Kansas resident reports, 'I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” '

A Kansas City, Missouri resident states, 'My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.'

Next a story from Birmingham, Alabama, 'I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.” '

'The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” ' This account was submitted by her fellow probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.

' A good-bye luncheon was being held for an old and dear coworker at Texas Instruments. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.'

'We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not.” Four is larger than two.” '

[ Yes, dear reader, such people really do walk among us in these here United States of America. The serious and disturbing fact is that they are eligible for both drivers licenses and voter registration cards-- and may use them. Sorry, that part wasn't funny. ]

((For the wives of the men on this forum))

Mom's Dictionary

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
APPLE: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED and BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded By, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
MAYBE: No.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

For those of you that have young children: (mine enjoyed this one)

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Cow say
Cow say who
No silly, cow says moo

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

Did you know that Adam had a hard time believing that the serpent was responsible for deceiving his wife and thereby indirectly deceiving him too? He said to God, "I can't believe a snake ever got close enough to a woman to say anything!"

Lessons Of A Home Schooled Child

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see
what it's like."

Here's one that I shared privately that applies to me today :)

Sort of a joke. And no offense meant to the mentally ill:

Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics. You might win but you're still retarded.

Humbles me continuously

OK guys, can we all admit we'll never get the last good word in an argument, unless it is yes dear or no dear? To that end, I offer this...

A man and a woman are driving through the country and have an argument. They go along as neither one wants to give in and be the first to break the silence. As they pass a barnyard full of goats, mules, pigs and donkeys. He asks "relatives of yours?" She responds "Yes - in laws."

It's True Love

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, never fills the car up with gas, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

A Jewish man decides that for his son's birthday the year prior to his Bar Mitzvah he will send his son to the Holy Land to study. The year passes, the son comes home and confesses to his dad, “The year was great Father, but while I was there I converted to Christianity.”

The man doesn’t know what to do, so he goes to his dearest friend and tells him the story. His friend, in comforting him, says, “I never told anyone this, but I too sent my son to the Holy Land and he converted to Christianity.”

Not knowing what to do, the two friends decide they will go see their Rabbi. They share their story and the Rabbi says, “I never told anyone this, but I too sent my son to the Holy Land and he converted to Christianity.”

The Rabbi suggests that they turn to the Lord in prayer and ask God what to do. As they pray, the sky opens up before them, bright light streams down upon them, and a voice booms from the heavens.

“2000 YEARS AGO, I TOO SENT MY SON….”

Getting the Pieces Right
A father wanted to read a magazine, but was being pestered by his daughter. To keep her busy, he tore a sheet out of the magazine that had a picture of the world printed on it. He tore the picture into small pieces and said "Here, now go into the other room and see if you can put this picture of the world back together again."
A few minutes goes by and he daughter appears in the room and hands him the picture all correctly fitted together.
The father was surprised and ask her how she was able to fit all those little pieces of the world back together again so quickly.
"Oh.." she said, "On the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus and once I got Jesus in the right place, then the world came out alright."
……………………………………………………………………………………………
......................................................................

Folks IN Texas just aren’t used to speaking the “King James” language, so they had the ten commandments translated in to the “King Ranch" language:
The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

......................................................
Hey Aussie Dad, how would the commandments translate into "Australian" or Aussie?

That is absolutely wonderful and hilarious, Aussie Dad. Thanks!

Dumb Questions from Lawyers
The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?


"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"



"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"



Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"



"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?



"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"



"Were you alone or by yourself?"



"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"



Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"



"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"



Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"


"So you were gone until you returned?"


Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"



"Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"



"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"



Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"



Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

The Fatted Calf
Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air. "I know!" she said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."

Its a sad world we live in, given the need for political correctness, even from the pulpit. With that in mind, I give you the following politically correct terminology.

vertically challenged -- short

horizontally gifted -- fat

horizontally challenged -- thin

chronologically gifted -- old

morally (ethically) challenged -- a crook

morally handicapped -- someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone

folically independent -- bald

musically delayed -- tone deaf

codependent -- finger-pointer

in denial -- unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened

constructivist feminist psychotherapy -- psychobabble

economically disadvantaged -- welfare bum

target equity group -- vocal minority

sanitation engineer -- garbage man

ontologically challenged -- fictional or mythological The absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional

people of height -- too tall

gravitationally challenged -- fat

chronologically gifted -- old

other aged -- too old/young (dual purpose)

Nitpicklike -- humor challenged

motivationally challenged -- lazy

outdoor urban dwellers -- homeless

nasally gifted -- runny nose

maintenance hole -- man-hole

socially challenged -- geek, nerd, whatever...

Microslothicly Challenged -- Windows user

aquatically challenged -- drowning

nasally disadvantaged -- really BIG nose

nasally gifted -- large nose

grammatically challenged -- one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling

differently organized -- messy

energy-efficient -- off

creatively re-dyed -- stained

petroleum transfer technician -- gas station attendant

amphibian American -- frog

persons of large stature -- NY Giants

bovine control officers -- Dallas Cowboys

residentially flexible -- homeless

uniquely coordinated -- clumsy

mechanically challenged -- broken down automobile

non-task oriented individual at game time -- husband

- From my daughter

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I don't know, what?

No eye deer (no idear)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

If you have a dog with no legs and he's in a pile of leaves, what is his name?

Russell (rustle)

What about if he's on your front porch?

Matt

And if he's floating in your pool?

Bob

Oh the things a 10 year old can say.......

Two foreigners are traveling in the mountains of north Georgia. They're somewhat lost on a curvy backroad when their car breaks down. It's near dusk, so they walk to a nearby farmhouse and ask the farmer if he has a place for them to spend the night.
"I only have one spare bed. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
So the first guy goes down to the barn and in a few minutes comes back. "You have a cow in your barn. It's against my religion to be in the same building as a cow."
So the second man says "I don't care anything about cows. I'll go down there." Well, after a few minutes he comes back and says "You have a pig down there. A pig is an unclean animal. I can't stay down there."
So the farmer says "You two stay here and I'll go sleep in the barn." So the men bed down for the night and after a few minutes they hear a knock at the door. They get up and open the door and there stands the cow and the pig.

lol

M's daddyman,

I pray that your wife NEVER discovers you even know that joke, much less that you posted it. ;-)

ROTFLMBO,
Bob

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned root beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" "What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree." "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance. "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."