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Hey Dad, A fellow dad needs us. Would you lift up Ed in prayer? Also, if you've found yourself in a similar situation let Ed know how you dealt with it. You 'da dad!! Todd
Dear Family man,
I am a dad and a husband with a big problem. I keep on messing up in regard to my sexual purity and only ask for help and forgiveness after I have fallen.Let me tell you about myself before I carry on. I live and work here in Mexico and my job is a 3 hour journey away from my home by bus etc. I do not own a car. I have to get up every morning at about 5:00 am and I only get home between 21:00 & 23:00 hrs depending on what time I leave the office and I have a few chores to do before hitting the bed so I am often in bed after midnight or close to it. At the moment we are quite busy and I have had to leave at 20:00 hrs every day for the last three weeks. My first problem is to spend quality time in Gods word as I cannot read on the buses or the metro (metro ride is too short). The roads are too bumpy and the buses do not have any good suspension. My other problem is I seem to be walking in circles in regard to my walk with the Lord. I also have a fear problem and I often am afraid to speak to anyone about my struggles and battles. I am afraid of what they might think or that they will rebuke me.
Anyway I have always struggled with my sexual purity, I get upto a point where I am doing fine and then I fall again and I cause a lot of pain to my family. It seems to be a vicious circle. I am causing much pain to my family and I am tired of this. My church is an English church here in Mexico city but it is hard to really make connections with anyone as most of the members are expatriots and do not live in the same area I live in. I would dearly love to meet once a week with someone to pray and to just talk through issues that I need to deal with. My dad was not a good example and so I have grown up doing things my own way and unfortunately there is still a bit of the bad influence in my life. I do not know how to get rid of it, I have prayed and asked the Lord to cleanse me completely of this but it seems that I am to be stuck with this problem as Paul was his thorn in the side.
Today I messed up again due to my own stupid curiosity and I confessed to my wife and well she reacted as anyone who is hurt would and said that basicaly I must leave the house as it appears there does not seem to be any desire to change. The thing is I do want to change, I do not want this junk in my life, I want to walk in purity I want to be a good father anf husband, but no matter how hard I try I just seem to fail them (my family). My wife has said that she is there to listen to me but sometimes I am afraid to talk to her about my struggles etc. Fear is my other problem and I do not know how to get rid of it.
Todd I am asking you to please forward this to any other dads or men that you know who are real prayer warriors because I need a miracle in my life and family. I want to be what the Lord called me to be and at the moment it seems there is no hope of me ever getting there. I cannot do it on my own. I need help, but who is there to help me apart from the Lord.
Basicaly I am asking for prayer for my wife and for me.
Pray that my wife will have a sense of the Lords presence at this moment and that we can be reconciled. Pray that I will become truly hungry and thirsty for the Lord and His Word. Pray that I will be able to get over my fears will be able to call for help in time. Pray that I will find someone I can meet with and that we can walk together and grow together. Pray that the Lord will reveal to me any unconfessed sin in my life and that I will be able to deal with it.
You ARE a new creation in Christ. You are taking steps in the right direction. I WAS you for 30 years. I have been free and sexually sober for several years. I would encourage you to memorize 2 Cor 10:5, which became my life verse during my recovery. The enemy tells you you cannot win. The bible teaches that victory is already yours.
Psalm 51 was actually where I started. When we fall, we first and foremost hurt God and our relationship with Him.
You do need a faithful friend, because you need to be accountable FOR your wife.
There is a ton of encouragement I can think of, and experiences that I could relate. Perhaps the board is not the place to delve into all of that. But, most importantly, I AM praying for you.
He whom the Son sets free is free indeed. I read your story. Trust me, mine was MUCH worse. But God is bigger!
I am a Pastor in the Atlanta area and I met you (Todd) at the homeschool convention down at the Cobb Galeria a few months ago.
Ed, I was just in Mexico on a mission trip and I want to pass on the name of a Pastor that I met while there training Pastors. His name is Pastor Antonio Villa and his e-mail address is villae70@hotmail.com. I am going to e-mail him and if you are interested, please call him and get some one on one accountability in your life. This will help you immensley. I would also reccomend that you get your hands on a copy of the book "Disciplines of a Godly Man" authored by R. Kent Hughes and begin reading and studying this book. Above all of that you need to get into the word of God at whatever cost. This is the only thing that will give you hope at this point. I just asked the Lord to help you and guide you in His ways and I will look forward to hearing how the Lord brings about a healing in your life, marriage, and family.
I read your problem, and just want you to know that we (men) are all in the same boat. However, with prayer, God can heal each one of us. Please know that I will print this email out and bring home to pray with my wife and little girl.
Keep your thought on the things of above.
If you'd like, you can email me at: cvanveldhuizen@pioneerpress.com, and I will try to help hold you accountable when you are having these thoughts.
The most important thing is (already mentioned) accountability to other men.
My addiction started 11 years ago, and from an "internet romance" almost led to the end of my marriage about 6 years ago. It took the next 5 years to really get to the point where I'm tempted very rarely.
Having open, honest conversation with your wife about your struggles, why it's so difficult, and what-not will be painful, but necessary. She has to understand the nature of the best.
In addition, check out some of the resources at Pure Life Ministries. Maybe order the books on overcoming addiction.
Spilo, Well said. However, it does us all good to remember that being tempted is not sin. It is what we do with the temptation that makes the difference. Be it inappropriate Internet communications, or having to keep your head down in the supermarket checkout line so you are not subjected to the cleavage of the stars, the control comes from you and your relationship with God. It's not the first look that gets you into trouble. It's the second look, because that one is a choice!
I wasn't clear enough, sorry. You're absolutely right. I will never be free of temptation, but once you get to the point where you are more frequently resisting temptation, and squashing down the curiosity (take captive every though) eventually you are less tempted, and less likely to fall into sin.
The main point is, it's a process. It takes time, and real effort, and LOTS of prayer.
As far as first/second looks, I agree, with one caveat. The first look in the general direction isn't trouble, but the glance downward on the way out is.
I am glad you didn't take offense, because I came off a little harsh (I think). And you are very correct, when we don't feed those appetites, they get weaker and the appetites that we DO feed (time in the word, prayer, good fellowship) grow stronger.
As my accountability partner (we actually call ourselves 'Faithful Friends') is fond of saying, "Keep fighting the Good Fight, Brother"
I believe that this is a struggle with every man. God is a BIG and Mighty accountabilty partner. He uses other people to help us get back on track. Even men in God's word struggled with this area and they were "men of big reputations". My advice to you would be reading a book called "Every Man's Battle", based on sexual purity. I have started reading in another time and it is good cause I can use it to help others who struggle with it. Please don't forget to also set time aside and pray for the strength to overcome. I am praying for you my friend.
I really appreciate your input and support. I know that I have a long way to go and I am still stumbling along at the moment. At first my wife wanted me out of the house but after a lot of hard conversation and that she was not happy about me staying with a work mate who is not a christian but it was my only option. when she heard this she wanted a divorce and eventually just took off her ring and said I could stay but that there was nothing between us at all. I also had to stay away from irrelevent internet searches but sadly I am struggling with this and today I have been at it again. I also need to talk on time when I am tempted. This too I am finding hard to do, maybe it is because I am deceiving myself that it is harmless and I just want to see what comes up (curiosity that unfortunately is killing this cat.) I have not been looking at pornographic sites I have just been typing in words that appear to be harmless yet many times have questionable stuff mixed in with the harmless stuff.
The other problem I have each day is my thoughts and they are running wild. I alsom seem to be very resentful and feel deep down a victim of all this. I have to really sit down and write down all that I am feeling and place it before the Lord. I also feel resentful towards my wife as there are many things I would like of her, but do I not know how to put it to her without her getting upset.
Guys I am letting you down. You are all praying for me and yet I am not even trying. Please forgive me for this.
It is as if part of me really does not want to change and come right, it is as if I am saying to my self whats the use, I will just fail again some day. It is a lie of the evil one I know and I have to just keep on fighting.
You can also write to me at ecampbell@smartpackagingsystems.com if you wish to address me personaly. Do not worry you can be a harsh as you want.
By the way I do not blame my wife for her reaction I have hurt her and decieved her more than once.
Posted By: sstieglitz My advice to you would be reading a book called "Every Man's Battle", based on sexual purity.
I would throw in a large chunk of caution with this recommendation. I haven't read this book, but I started to read Every Young Man's Battle (same concept, youth-icized for the boys' bible study I'm leading), and the depictions in it that it gives as examples did more to plant mental images than help thwart them. They authors went into WAY more detail about sexual encounters than they needed to to get their point across.
So yes, it may be a good book, but be careful what you are allowing to enter your mind.
My sister recommends Pornified, but I haven't read that book myself, so take it with a grain of salt.
It honestly sounds to me like there's some part of you that doesn't want to change. And that, my friend, is a dangerous thing. It indicates, at least in my own case, a "luke-warm" view of God, which He has made clear in scripture is less than OK. There are still areas in my life that I struggle to give up, but they MUST be given up.
As far as what you want from your wife, as much as you may hate it, and as much as it may suck for a while, you're better off trying to make any demands of her at this time. You first have to prove that she's a priority, and that you can change (read: that you are willing to let God change you). Not until you have re-established some semblance of trust-worthiness, and have a right relationship with God can you even begin to expect things of others, and then only in love.
Bottom line, you can be changed, if you want to. It's a hard road, but rewarding.
Oh, before I forget, if you use google for your searches, you can turn on a feature called "Search Safe" If you go to the google page and click "Preferences" there is a section called "SafeSearch Filtering". It's not fool-proof but it will help reduce the stuff you get returned in your searching. You'll be tempted at first to turn it off, but resist, and you will eventually forget it's even on.
P.S. FYI, my last failure in this area was very recent (this week), but it's still progress. Stay strong brother!
I actually switched to ASK.COM instead of Google for most searches. It is very good at letting me archive my searches and sites, and it is fairly aggressive in rejecting bad content. What really got me free of the off-color searches was the accountability software that I mentioned to you in my direct email. I actually see that Todd provides a link to the XXXChurch somewhere in this site.
By the way, guys. If you want the link, ask me or find it on the 'Internet purity' portion of this site. Don't go googling XXX anything!!!!!
Also, Spilo is absolutely correct! Reconciling with your wife is a process, not an event, and at least for now, needs to happen on HER terms.
That is true. I want to prove that I am trustworthy, and I know it must take place on her terms. I mainly use Yahoo to do all my searches and is pretty good. I do not normaly do image searches but on Monday I got tempted to look for images on Amazon Indians. I have always been fascinated by them and well on one search there was an image I wanted to see and it lead me to a site that was not pornographic but had other images of naked women. The thing is I make this stupid mistake of typing innocent words and well there are always thumb nails that are clear enough to see.
I find my main issue is with nudity, not so much pornography, but just nudity.
I think if it was not for the fact that the Lord does have a hold on my life I would be living in a nudist colony or something to that effect by now.
I have a long way to go and I would really appreciate it if all of you would continue to walk with me. My contact email addres is in my last entry. Write to me if you want. I have also just enrolled in a course with setting the captives free, it is called "The way of purity".
I have also installed the monitoring program on my computer, but I need to know does it only monitor sites that are moraly ? or does it log every search and report that as well? I am thinking of maybe getting the pro version that will monitor all my searches. I will look into that.
It logs only those sites that it deems inappropriate. It is quite accurate, but I don't understand the inner workings well enough to explain why. The Pro version gives you more reporting options, but I have never used it.
While the software is very good, it has some funny quirks. My accountability partner's report always has trackings of hits on Dilbert oriented websites. It's a comic strip that, to the best of my knowledge, has no sexual undertones at all.
Also, my church's home page set it off a couple of months ago. I have no idea why.
But It works. Busted me on those 'innocent' searches long ago.
Probably should have mentioned this before. You might want to rethink the wife option.
And please don't flame me. I am merely making a suggestion. And I have paid a high price for my experience. I am only suggesting that, until you get to a healthier level obediance, you might want to sheild your wife from what is going to be a grueling enough process.
Love you as she must, it still hurts her to think of you looking at other women.
I'm gonna go ahead and agree. Adding the wife may not be the best idea until you've talked with her about the plan and gotten her buy-in.
It really has to be on an individual basis. For my wife, she said she was better off not knowing, and juts asking me about it once in a while. For your wife, she may appreciate the fact that you're taking it seriously.
Only the 2 of you can decide really. God Bless you in that decision!
From previous experience I have found out that my wife prefers to know what I have been upto. If I leave it for a few days or so she tends to go balistic. I have not told her what I have been upto these last three days as things are still a bit tender and I feel it is best to just let my Accountability partner (s) know. The fact that the program is there will make me even more determined to not do such foolish things and stick to what is relevant. I try to listen to some good bible teaching while I am working (John MacArthur, etc).
Those websites I have a direct link to. I get the audio from ONEPLACEDOWNLOADS.COM. Check it out there are some good messages there.
Wow...reading your situation is kind of eerie for me, Ed. At the end of this month I will have reached three years of sobriety from sexual impurity similar to yours. And leading up to that I too struggled with what ultimately was a losing struggle despite my best intentions. But good intentions are worthless if not acted upon, and I just became more and more sickened with my repeated failures (3 weeks of success and then boom a failure...2 weeks of success and then wham, failure...repeat) and didn't understand why God wasn't helping to change me to free me from it.
I had a dear brother in Christ as an accountability partner, and his convicting words would often draw me back into the light, and I wonder how far down the "slippery slope" I would have slid without his encouragement and support. But, like you, I was still praying for God to rescue me out of my sin without being willing to do WHATEVER it took to do so. I really appreciate and respect what some of these other guys have shared with you and will try not to repeat a bunch of it, so hopefully what I add to the discussion will help you in some way (sorry for the length):
Once I finally came clean with my wife over some of the "curiosity killed the cat" internet searches that I had been doing I realized that I could no longer continue in the cycle of making changes just enough to make her feel better but not really dealing with deep issues once and for all. So the day after confessing what I had done I spent time thinking of every category of sexual sin that I had done over the previous few years...anything that had a hold on me and was unconfessed (the two go hand-in-hand) so that once I was done I could go forward honestly telling her there wasn't anything else I was concealing from her. Then I sat her down and somehow found the courage to confess them to her. Only you know your wife and how strong she is, and it might be that it isn't best to tell everything. I did, and the pain of doing it helped me resolve to never have to do that again. The other interesting phenomenon is what a friend called "leaking". It's like my mind would only remember a portion of things, and then after confessing them and seeing that the world didn't end I would think of more things to confess a day or two later. It took a week to stop leaking...not fun.
Another thing I finally realized is that if I wanted to save my marriage and somehow build trust again with my wife, I had to get truly RUTHLESS in stamping it out. Seriously. I am a passive person by nature, but I finally realized that I was going to lose my wife and so I found myself with nothing else to lose and only her to gain (and I sense that you are close to that point now). I realized that anything I was using to sin with in this way was a *privilege* that I had abused and so had now lost the right to do any more. I had to identify ALL of those triggers and then plan out how I was going to destroy them and share my plan with her. I told my wife I no longer would watch any TV alone under any circumstances (including hotel rooms, when she was sleeping, etc...); I would no longer surf the 'net at night for recreation unless I did it with her; I installed site logging software at work and only used the 'net for work purposes; I wouldn't allow myself to even go near magazine racks in gas stations or bookstores; and most of all I gave up a 20 year habit of, well, self gratification. I think most guys would think all of that was too extreme, but I had already tried and failed at breaking free in every way short of tearing down these footholds, and so I had already proven to myself that I had lost the right to hold onto these things. And it was the best decision I ever made in my life because it saved my marriage. Plus, I've been able to re-introduce some of the things I gave up after a couple of years now that it doesn't have a hold over me.
The Apostle Paul warns us to not give the Enemy a foothold (Eph 4:27). Have you ever looked at one of those rock climbing walls? Now imagine that wall is your life and how much easier your battle would be if you were able to remove each of those footholds from the surface to make it completely smooth (James 4:7). Do you know which footholds you need to remove? What will it take to remove them? Is your wife worth it to you? If not and you lose her, then how fulfilled will you really be when it's just you alone with your searches? Try to find the time to really imagine what you life will be like if you don't deal with this once and for all.
Of course my wife was skeptical at first, but I could tell that it softened her heart that I was taking such bold action. She even said she didn't think I'd make it even 3 months (and I didn't give myself a year without slipping up) but now it's been 3 years, Praise God. But we are fighting an insidiously patient enemy. I can live five more years of purity, let my guard up for one instant, and have to start all over. That's why I echo all of the previous posters' advice to find time to dig into His Word and to daily be on your knees in prayer. Pray especially for your wife...her hopes, her dreams, her fears, and her needs, and you will find a way to deal with your anger with her. She's a sinner saved by grace, too, and flawed like the rest of us, but all you can do is work on yourself, your relationship with God, and pray for her. I also pray that God can somehow reveal to her that the draw you feel toward viewing other women isn't "about her"...it isn't personal. It's Every Man's Battle, and somehow after years of bitterness over my struggle my wife finally came to understand this, and it brought much healing into our marriage.
Finally, you mentioned fear being an issue for you, and I really "get that", too. It's really been amazing to me to find out that once I stopped sneaking, lying, being selfish, and being sexually impure and instead began to pray daily for humility, purity, and being a servant to my family that my confidence began to grow. I also found that I could look her in the eye and be much more real with her than I had been for a long time. It didn't happen over night and wasn't easy, but by making these changes and doing what I was supposed to be doing I began to turn into the kind of man that I had been praying for God to make me into but never was. I had finally grown up and found integrity, and I know you can too.
I apologize to everyone if this was too "preachy"...I've had a burden for you, Ed, for the last day since Todd sent out his weekly email, and after you gave the "go ahead" to be harsh I felt I'd better share with you what I've learned in case something can reach your heart...I pray it does and that you will find the way to victory.
I want to share what happened last night (12/10/07). I arrived home and my wife looked extremely sad and we talked small talk and then I asked her how our eldest daugter was as she had been to the doctor for results of a test because she has problems with her Kidneys or something she keeps on having Urine infections. Now it appears that her kidneys are starting to create stones. Anyway I sensed my wife needed a hug, so I gave her one and she started to cry and I prayed about my daughter. My wife did not return the hug. Then she started to pour out her heaart to me about all that had happened and how she felt. I admitted my fault and my selfishness and selfcenterdness. I also asked for forgiveness. At times I felt quite shallow but I was sincere. Anyway after much talking and crying my wife just sat with her head on the table. All the time I was praying that the Lord would bring about healing in our situation. Well in short our relationship was restored and we are on a road to new and better relationship. We renewed our wedding vows to one another and we prayed over our wedding rings and our marriage.
My wifes main issue is and was that I did not speak up before or after the first fall and that is what she wants. If it happens today then speak today. She understands that we do fall and that we are not perfect. I promised that from now on I would speak up on time.
This can only be the Hand of the Lord and I am not going to take any credit for it. Brothers your prayers are being answered and be of good courage there will be even greater miracles in all this, in your lives and marriages as well as mine. I want to say that I too have been praying for you all, because you too need protection for we are in a war situation here and none of us is safe. I know that what has happened is only the beginning and that I am still a long way off from the goal. I will keep on walking and looking up.
The comments from all of you have been truly helpful to not just me but I think to all of us, and many more who actually have not had the courage to comment and are struggling with the same thing and do not know how to get out. To tohose who are just reading these posts and are struggling to escape this trap remember The arms of the Lord are not to short to save nor His ears too dull to hear. He hears your cry and He knows where you are just lift up ypur hands like a small child andHe will pick you up out of the Pit. I challenge you to go to WWW.SETTINGTHECAPTIVESFREE.COM and enroll for their course THE WAY TO PURITY. I am doing it at the moment and I have learnt a lot about me and my sin. One thing I learnt is that I have been looking for my own glory in trying to get out of this mess and also I have not been patient enough to wait for the Lord as I should have.
I need to ask you all to pray for a workmate who is having marital problems, is not a christian but is searching. His name is Edgardo Villamil and he needs our prayers. His wife moved out on him to go and stay with her father. The reasons are not very clear but he is getting desperate and we are reading the bible and praying together every day.
I think that we should keep on walking together as Brothers in Arms, we need each other more than we know. Todd what do you think? Maybe oneday when we all have the money we can meet somewhere and really celebrate what the Lord has done for us.
Maybe our wives should also try to share their feelings about their experiencs in all this and how they coped. There are many wives out their at their wits end as well and do not have anyone to really turn to because they think that they are the only ones.
Ed. reading your account brings both tears and goose bumps. How faithful God is! I will continue to pray for you and your wife. What an amazing testimony this can be to His glory.
I'm proud of you for your courage, to do what is right, and the desire to see things made right.
Posted By: trying3000
Thank you so much for sharing. I have taken some of the same steps, but not all of them. I am encouraged too, thank you brother.
Thankyou for your continued stand with me. In fact we are standing together with each other.
A WINNER NEVER QUITS AND A QUITTER NEVER WINS. WHEN AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED PRAY AND LOOK FOR HELP. That is all I can really say. All my life I have been fighting to survive and all I have been doing is existing. Many of you showed me how to live and I want to live from now on. Jesus promised us life in abundance, that is what I want no mater the cost. I want to leave a Godly legacy for my family and I am not going to give up until the day I leave this life.
I mentioned that all my life I have been fighting to survive, if I told you my whole story I think you will understand, but that is not important, what is, is the fact that I have a faithful God and Father in Heaven who has never left me nor has He ever forsaken me. I have been through rough times and experiences but His hand has always been on Me. I was just too self centered to realise it.
By the way I would say my wife was the bravest to make a decision to start again from the beginning. She is one amazing woman who would go to the ends of the earth for me. I love her and always have since I first met her even durring 4 years of separation before our marriage (This was due to the fact that she was in Mexico and I was in Zimbabwe). I am scared of messing up again but I am not going to let that stop me from keeping on in the Good fight.
Brothers remember Victory is only a step and a prayer away, and there will always be Men like us to walk and pray with and for you no matter what the situation. Remember those of you who have sons Teach them well because the effects of bad example and teaching will go on for life. That is what happened to me. I had bad teaching, Bad example and an absentee Father. Please do not do the same to your kids especially your sons. They will end up doing the same you have done and worse, your daughters will end up in abusive relationships and you will loose them all. Look at the words of the Song "The cat in the cradle" It will make you cry and think hard.
I do not know how to put it across more clearly but one thing remember YOUR FAMILY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR JOB OR WORK COMMITMENTS. You can always find another job but you can never replace the time lost with your family nor can you ever replace your family.
We have a great example to follow (Our Father in Heaven) Let us emulate Him as best we can and so change the world and the future.