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Fathering: Having "The Talk" with my son

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      CommentAuthorPapaJohn
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2008
     
    OK dads, my son is 10 1/2 and I've been thinking about when and how to have a frank and open discussion about sex with him. He hasn't been exposed to very much TV or video games and such, and I believe he is really pretty innocent about the whole thing. Some of his friend's dads have talked with their sons, and I believe it's probably time, but in a way I hate to spoil his boyhood innocence.

    I'm thinking of looking for a good Christian video or maybe a book to help things along and make it less weird for him.

    Please give me any advice you would like to share.
    • CommentAuthorspilo
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2008 edited
     
    The only advice i have is this: It's probably only going to be weird if YOU feel weird about it.

    DISCLAIMER: my oldest son is 5 :)
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      CommentAuthorethos2
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2008
     
    Ah "the talk", I remember my dad handing me "the book" and telling me to read it and then asking me if I had any questions afterward, I was so embarrassed after reading "the book" I couldn't have asked even if I wanted to.

    My advice, don't make "the talk" something dirty or shameful, sex after all is God given and is a very special gift that is shared with your spouse once married. My children who are 4, 7 and 9, because we read the bible together, sex has come up and of course the question of where do babies come from have come up as well and it gave me and my wife a great opportunity to share with our children that they each have a very special gift that no one else in the world has to offer. This is a one time gift and can only be given once, we have a testimony that we waited and gave this gift to each-other and we told each of them that the gift of sex is for your spouse only. We didn't get graphic or in-depth, but as our Son and Daughter are getting older, we are talking to them about keeping their parts private and that certain parts are again only to be shared with their spouse when they are married which is a really long time from now and we have let them kind of lead the way into more in-depth questions.

    I think that just talking to them about their bodies and letting them know that certain parts of their bodies were made to be special and kept private until they are married, sharing scripture with them about purity and letting them know that it's always ok to ask questions, the weirdness goes away and it becomes less and less mysterious to them and they don't feel like they have to be ashamed of coming to you if they need advice.

    Let us know how it goes with you and what you used, I will keep you in my prayers for wisdom and guidance. God Bless
  4.  
    Our girl is 10 and is asking questions, and knows quite a bit already. Imagine my surprise when she started telling me things I didn't think she knew. She knows the basics, and we've had some discussion, but not full, in-depth ones as of yet. We've read some books and are reading more to prepare for this. We're open and straight-forward with her about the issues and have told her that her questions should come to us and not be a discussion among her and her friends. We've also told her that if that is what her friends are talking about, she should end the discussion by telling them this is something they should all talk to their parents about, and that if it doesn't end she should leave the converstation.

    The more I've talked to her, the easier it has become. It's only uneasy as you start because the world makes sex out to be dirty, shameful or worse, just a casual activity. It is something special from God for a husband and wife only. It is their wedding gift from the Creator of everything. We focus on that and on not opening that gift early. We've picked up a lot of stuff at familylife.com.

    I'd start with you and him just going out and doing what ya'll do and in the process of your normal activity ask him, "Son, you've heard about sex (or something like that) and I'd like to know, what are your thoughts and what do you know" and let it lead into a natural conversation. It makes it much easier than taking your kid in your office, sitting them down and saying "It's time we had a serious discussion." At least it has been for me. We make it a natural part of our daily dialogue when we talk. Now then, at some point there will need to be a serious sit-down, but that can also be brought about in a casual way so as not to make it an uncomfortable issue. Remember this, it's God's creation, His gift, His glory.

    God has also made it our responsibility to teach our kids, and this is one of the things we must do. If we do it right, we bring glory to God.

    Lord bless you on this, many of us are right there with you and are pulling for you. We can empathize.
    • CommentAuthormjmjc
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2008
     
    My wife and began teaching oldest (daughter) with a book at age 8 or so. ? not sure the name? But as the years went by she just continued asking ???? and we continued to answer them. We did tell her to talk with us and noone else. But with the other two girls it got easier, mainly because my wife did it without me. The older the girls get they would prefer I not be present.

    But our son is only four and I think that it will be much easier now that I had girls first.

    Not sure if this helps.
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      CommentAuthorTribeDad
    • CommentTimeNov 6th 2008
     
    I've been setting aside time with my 12 year old son, and we're listening to Dobson's "Preparing for Adolescence" CD's and then discussing them; and this has been a wonderful time together, and is paving the way for me to be the person he processes these intimate life-issues with.
  7.  
    I feel "the talk" is much more than a crash course in sex ed. My wife and I have nine year old triplets (2girls, 1boy) and we have been slowly introducing them to sexuality (probably since they were about 4). First was simply girl parts and boy parts and privacy. Then it takes a mommy and a daddy to have a baby, but the mommy helps the baby grow in her tummy until the baby is born, etc. We have used some diagrams which show anatomy and in-utero babies, always trying to steer the teaching. Obviously, this doesn't cover the many conversations (using available teaching moments from Bible accounts,TV, magazine ads, and radio) but I really think it's best not to overwhelm them with info, just introduce the concepts with biblical guidelines and relationship interactions as you feel they can handle and/or have interest to learn. Time is against you now for the basics, but there is way too much info to give in a very short period of time. Our kids have not had "the talk" yet either, but it will be a lot easier to address with previous discussions of related subjects. Questions often arise regarding apparel, conduct and intimacy which we usually discuss one on one for privacy and freedom from embarrassment on sensitive issues. Give your son a good foundation about how God made us as relational, sexual beings before trying to build the skyscraper of attraction, emotions and intimacy. Different types of media have taken away the innocence of sex and made it "dirty". The knowledge of this wonder that God has given us doesn't mean we have lost innocence but gained insight into what joy He has made possible. My wife and I have had discussions with all our children, but now, it is mostly my wife with the girls alone, and I with my son.
    The boy is yours - cuz you da DAD!
  8.  
    My sex education growing up in a christian home was not unlike ethos2's description. I actually learned quite a bit from a neighbor kid's crass perspective. So when I felt like my kids could grasp the subject, 8 years old & down, I started the process. We read the bible at home, it deals with sex matter of factly, so I deal with sex gently but matter of factly. They just sort of accept it as a fact, they aren't embarraced at all. We, my oldest girl (8) and #2 a boy (6), have probably had 8 good conversations this year though not always all together. I think now we have covered all the high points of the topic with both children.
    I also lead a small group of high school boys at church and i have gotten A LOT of milage out of very bold, very direct talk about sex. They want to talk about sex, I can guide that interest toward the wholesome, godly side of sex. I think being frank and addressing it often (I've found they won't ask) is really important. I think being the opposite (tightlipped & timid) does not answer the barrage of incoming sexual messages from the world.
    A couple people have said this already but being emberraced about sex makes them uncomfortable, be confident, have answers for them, be proactive don't wait until johnny comes home from the baseball game with a suspicious tone in his voice saying "where do babies come from?" Now don't fall off the other side of the horse and really embarrace them by addressing the topic in mixed company or make that the only thing you ever really deal with in that way. I really recomend the bible (novel huh?), just read through Genisis with them all the stuff of life is right there, don't avoid anything.
    • CommentAuthorKnight4her
    • CommentTimeNov 15th 2008
     
    Hey all,
    My son is 16 now but when he was 12 I did something really neet! My son is the product of my wives first marriage and I adopted him when h was four. With that we have always told him about where he came from and with that subject we had to tell him at an early age that it take a man and a women to make a baby. That is as far as we went. Then when he was 12 years old I really wanted to do it right. I was listening to the radio to Dennis Rainy on Focus on the family. He was taking about a package called Pass Port to Purity. This resource sounded like what I was looking for. So I ordered it from Family life Ministries.

    The package is a book for my son and a book for me. We took a weekend trip to a hotel close a national park that we enjoy and we went through the material. We listened to the tape and answered the questions together. There is also 6 easy projects to do together. I really liked the material. It wasn't all about sex. It was about growing up, what happens to your body, pear pressure, and yes it talks about the opposite sex and dating. Bottom line is that it helped me use my own experiences to explain to my son what was coming up. The last night we met up with mom and we signed the pass port to purity together. Basically saying that he would not get "involved" with a girl until we said he was ready. Afterwards he made the decided the have his first kiss be at the alter with his wife. Wow! I did not expect that but so far he has stuck to it. And yes he has had the opportunity to blow it a few times.

    I'm not sure if Pass Port to Purity is still around but we got it from Family Life Ministries on the web.

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