Dannybrown,

Praise the Lord that you realize that you cannot do this. None of us can. Praise Him that he will change your heart as he promised to make you more like his Son Jesus.

I can tell that this is not about her. Your wife is a human and is flawed like we all are. You are not unique in being married to a broken vessel. So your judgemental thinking is where you should be picking up a hint of where the problem lies.

I am sure you have had people tell you that the solution is to be found in God's Word. In this case, I fear that I take a road well traveled in that respect. What you need is indeed found in God's Word.

The problem here is that your thinking is not lining up with God's word. I feel safe in saying that God's word is not going to change, so you must let your thinking be changed by His word. The first step in doing that is putting God's word in your mind every day.

The Bible says that our wives are precious and that they are a blessing from God. He said this knowing that they are flawed. Since God's word is True it is safe to say that it is your perspective that specifically must be conformed to God's will.

You don't have to answer this but here are some things to think about:
1. What do you do for entertainment?
2. What kinds of books, movies, magazines, shows, do you watch?
3. How much time do you spend in the Word?
4. How often do you thank God for the wife he has given you?
5. Do you deserve her?

As a man thinks, so will his heart feel. I challenge you to do a study of the Bible using whatever tools you can find, and find out all that God's word says about a wife. Start with where God gave Eve to Adam. Write down what God's word says about this topic and meditate on these passages. Think about them, and then share what you found with us here. Also carve out some time to share your heart with your pastor or other strong brother on this and ask him to be in prayer for you.

I can safely guarantee that your thinking will be changed by this. You will be blessed, your wife will be blessed, and God will be glorified.

I thought about posting a bunch of verses about this here, but you should find them, it will be good for you. I will pray for you as well. You need to stay on your knees about this, but rest your mind in the knowledge that your earnest desire is already God's will for you as a husband.

Let's also turn the tables just a bit here. Jesus said "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." Christ was himself the propitiation for our sin. He forgave us when we did not deserve forgiveness and laid His life down for us. I can personally thank God that my Husband didn't judge me with the judgement I deserve but covered my sin and makes me white as snow. Brother, I encourage you to be as Christ to your wife.

Hi DannyBrown,

I have been married for 16 years, I and my wife are complete opposites, I too struggled for years with not wanting to be angry with her, just to love her, I knew that in order to do that, it was me that had to change not her, but she also needed to know that I was changing in order to love her more, she needed to know that I was going to make an effort to change to make her more happy, so I asked God what to do and this is the verse that he showed me:

28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

No one knows me better then me and that's because I spend every day with me and taking care of me and making sure that I get all I need, that verse in Ephesians says that is what I am suppose to be like with my wife. I should spend every day taking care of her, making sure she gets all she needs, so that is exactly what I did. I began asking her what she needed done each-day, if it was laundry I did what I could, dishes, I did what I could, the lawn, I cut what I could, if she needed dinner cooked, I did what I could, then the second thing I did was make a list of the things that she did for me and the kid's, no matter how small, I wrote them down and gave them to her as a list of the things I love about her on our Anniversary.

I found that the more and more I focused on the things that she did for me, no matter how small and stopped looking at the negative things, I began to love her all over again. I now ask her everyday what I could do to help out and she gives me a few things and I do what I can, but she knows that everything I do is done to try and make her happy and that has made a huge difference for us.

1. Focus on her needs
2. Focus on her strengths
3. Let her know what your doing in a way that makes her feel special

Hope that helps, I'll be praying for you.

dear DB, the above is all very good and I am excited to see you being pointed in the right direction. I would add a book to your toolbox. My wife and I went through the book "Love & Respect" by Emmerson Eggerich last year, it was the most profound book on marraige written in years. It's not psycho-babble, psuedo-biblical hypothesis, it is a marraige book that uses the bible as well as research to come to a couple of "why didn't I see that?" conclusions. My wife and I have a pretty good relationship and we learned some stuff from that book that has tooled us for this past year, which has been the single toughest year of our marraige (year 10). Get it, read it. www.loveandrespect.com
joshandkerrie