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Fathering: When they Leave

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  1.  
    • CommentAuthorsjvnync
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2008
     
    Guys, I am a homeschooling dad of 7, well 6 now. I took my 20 year old to Air Force Basic training today - WOW! I haven't had a flood of emotion like that since they were all born. We have the 20(b), 14(g), 12(b), 7(g), 5(g), 4(b), 2(g) and I love them all, as I am sure we all do. I felt regret, more than anything else as I drove away today. I can remember being mad at the failures to perform his schoolwork, mad at the failure to do the chores, mad at all the times he let me down - now I am mad at me for spending so much time being mad.
    I had to write something to help heal my failures at recognizing his failure so much - Dad's please hold them close while they are with you - I wish I had some time back to do over again.
    • CommentAuthormomof4
    • CommentTimeSep 16th 2008
     
    Don't kick yourself so much. We all have regrets...that is assured. None of us are perfect parents either. And though you may have been tough on him homeschooling, I'm sure he knows that you love him very much...no matter what. Kids are more resiliant than you think. They tend to forget a lot of the bad stuff..especially school related. :) I'm sure you have a lot of great memories too! Try to think on those...times playing ball or bike riding together, doing crafts in school, helping with projects,etc. I'm betting it was just as hard for your son to say good-bye today as it was for you. He'll be in my prayers, along with the rest of our fine service men/women. Be sure to thank him for us. :)
    •  
      CommentAuthorethos2
    • CommentTimeSep 16th 2008
     
    I agree don't lose more time by regretting yesterday, but spend today finding ways to let him know you love him. You can do nothing about yesterday and nothing about tomorrow, but you can do anything you want today since it's here. Todd wrote a life changing newsletter awhile back called Marbles Matter, I now have three jars with marbles in it to remind me how little time we do have with our kid's, read it if you haven't yet, it will be a real eye opener. Here is the link:

    http://www.familymanweb.com/newsletter/marbles-matter

    God Bless and I too will be praying for your son.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCRBMoA
    • CommentTimeSep 16th 2008
     
    WOW!
  5.  
    I know how you are feeling. When my son left home for his freshman year of college, I felt like there was so much that I wanted to let him know and had no time left to do it. At the same time I started a year long study in our church called the Quest for Authentic Manhood, which met every Friday morning...every Friday lunchtime was spent writing a letter to my son discussing what I learned that morning and how I was applying it to my life and encouraging him to apply it to his own life. We haven't discussed those letters yet, and I still have an copy of each that I keep and look back on - but I am certain that at some point we will talk about what we both learned from that study.

    I guess what I am saying, is there is still time to connect with your son even through the distance - there is always time to let him know that he is your son, who you love, and in whom you are well pleased.
    • CommentAuthorsjvnync
    • CommentTimeSep 16th 2008
     
    Thank you all so much - the marble idea is GREAT!!!! I also appreciate the encouragement as this has been tough. My wife really looks at this experience very differently - we still have the 6 more at home. My regret is still there, but I am looking toward the future. He called today from D.C. on his way to Basic and he ended our brief conversation with "I love you" - I also told him I loved him as well. Just words, but there is something there - we will get together sometime soon and talk through all of this, as I humble myself to him and to God. God has taught me a great lesson with this experience, the grades and the school are important but nothing is as important as my kids relationship and the marbles I have left.
    • CommentAuthorDad2-4
    • CommentTimeSep 17th 2008
     
    sjvnyc,

    They may be "just words" but they really mean a lot. It sounds like things are better than you fear. I know that it took my dad getting prostate cancer (over 10 years and cancer free thanks be to God) before we were able to say those words to each other. Likewise, as you point out, you have 6 still at home who still need you and there is time to make things better with them.

    Isn't it great that our God forgives us and also enables us to restore and improve relationships! We can't go back, but in His grace we go forward. Keep it up!
    •  
      CommentAuthorCRBMoA
    • CommentTimeSep 17th 2008
     
    In 1985, kept score of mice that I terminated at my Dad's house. I kept score on a chalkboard that used to be part of a playskool kind of desk that I used when I was a little kid.

    At the end of that summer, I tallied the score (me verses the mice) and wrote in bold letters "I Love You, Dad".

    They have moved three times across thousands of miles.

    It sits on my Dad's dresser today.
    • CommentAuthorBobh62
    • CommentTimeSep 18th 2008
     
    Praying for all of you. You mentioned that you needed to write something. how about writing a letter to your son telling him how much you love him and how much you regret the bad times? He'd probably keep the letter for the rest of his life.
  10.  
    I'd like to share a poem I wrote the day I left my son at his college dorm door during his first year. He has since graduated with a Masters in Music Composition and his younger brother with a Masters in Music Performance and has joined the Navy Band. I'm very proud of them both. It was hard to let go, but we told them that the weren't INDEPENDENT now, they were totally DEPENDENT on God.

    What’s Happening To Me Now?
    by Winky White
    Copyright © 1999

    What’s happening to me now?
    My wife has just informed me that she’s pregnant
    I’m going to be a father
    Thoughts, too many to count, rush through my head
    Aren’t I too young? Aren’t I still in college?
    Will there be enough money?
    I’m becoming a father.

    What’s happening to me now?
    It’s a little after 6:30 am on a crisp October Sunday morning
    I’ve just got off the phone with my mom
    It’s a boy. A fine looking boy. A miracle of God’s creation.
    I’m becoming a father...again.

    What’s happening to me now?
    It’s early in the morning, too early and yet my wife
    is up and feeding our son. It’s my “turn” to change the diapers
    I have no job just yet and I’m a bit worried, but my
    wife has a smile and an air about her that tells me it’s alright.
    Everything will be all right.
    I’m becoming a father.

    What’s happening to me now?
    He’s walking, he’s talking, he’s running, he’s shouting
    he’s busy, he’s sleeping, he’s wonderful.
    I’m becoming a father.

    What’s happening to me now?
    Again? Another one? This can’t be right!
    I just got settled in a new job...but it’s a new life
    My son will have a friend, playmate. He’ll become a brother.
    and I’m becoming a father all over again.

    What’s happening to me now?
    It’s the first day of school
    It’s the first parents’ day at school
    It’s the first “serious” sickness
    It’s the first ER visit
    It’s the first everything
    I’m becoming a father again.

    What’s happening to me now?
    The years pass so quickly
    You can’t believe how quickly
    I must have missed something somewhere
    Now, I’m saying good bye at the door to his college dorm
    And I’m crying like a baby.
    I can’t believe I’m becoming a father again.

    And I’ll continue becoming a father until I leave this earth
    For becoming a father is not a one-time event
    It is a process, a marvelous process
    And a process that has its roots in Love
    that feeds on Love
    that results in Love
    and that IS Love.
    • CommentAuthormjmjc
    • CommentTimeSep 20th 2008
     
    CRBMoA
    WOW!

    What you said really touched my heart, I did not have a dad to tell that I loved he left when I was in my mothers womb and was a alcoholic.

    But today I have a Heavenly Father. It still is great to hear of what could have been.
  12.  
    Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you got a lot of good advice from your post. I am also a homeschooling Dad (eleven bleesings). I just sent my third daughter off for college in August. It was really hard when the first one left home and harder for different reasons when my second one left. I did the whole regret thing and kicking myself thing but what I have learned over time is that you can't change the past but you can change the future. You don't stop being Dad to them when they leave. You need to make the effort to keep the contact up and be the encourager on the other end of the phone (or keyboard). It is just the very begining of your adult relationship with your son. Make the most of it with keeping the lessons of the past in mind. Our parenting days are just life long journey, they are not over when they leave the house, but they do surely change. I am missing my third daughter very much but it is such a blessing to have her call just to talk (as she just did while I was typing this). Continue on as the Dad. He will be so blessed by your effort! I hope my 2 cents is encouraging. Hey, one other thing, take this lesson and use it to better yourself for all the others still at home, they need you to stay focused (not dealing with regrets). That is one of the coolest blessings of having a big family, you have more chances to get it right!
    • CommentAuthorsjvnync
    • CommentTimeSep 22nd 2008
     
    Almost a week has past now and he was allowed to call last night to give us his address, not much time for more than that. It was refreshing to hear his voice and hear what he did not say in his brief call. Sometimes what is not said is more revealing. I appreciate all of your encouragement, this has definitely been a life changing moment for our home. God is good.
    • CommentAuthorsjvnync
    • CommentTimeNov 2nd 2008
     
    We have come full circle - my wife and I attended my son's graduation from Air Force Basic Training this past week. We are so proud and feel he has made great strides in his life and walk with the Lord. Who would have thought that the BMT would be a venue for a reflection and return to so many foundations. Thank you Lord.
    • CommentAuthormomof4
    • CommentTimeNov 2nd 2008
     
    Congrats!! So happy for both you and your son!!
    • CommentAuthorBobh62
    • CommentTimeNov 6th 2008
     
    God is good ALL the time!!!!

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